Grief is hard

two things

It’s been a little over 3 months since my sister passed away. And yet, in some ways, it feels as if it were only yesterday. The sadness washes over me and it’s almost overwhelming at times.

I’m supposed to be getting my life back. No more traveling back and forth to Arizona to check in on her and help her through chemo treatments. But god, I’d give anything to go back to Tucson and see her now. I miss her so much!

It’s not fair. How did I end up as the sole survivor of our family? I know, it’s really not surprising. Despite all my hang-ups and feelings of “I’m not enough,” I think I have been the most mentally stable one. Alcoholic father. Depressive mother. Alcoholic, possibly manic depressive brother. Depressive sister. My main vice has been food. Thank God, I have never suffered from depression. I mean that sincerely, Thank you God!

My lovely sister was a writer. And she kept journals… for years! After she died, I went through some of those journals, and they just broke my heart. She wrote of her inner demons, of not feeling good enough and that she wasn’t worthy. Hell, she even thought the cancer was just more proof that she wasn’t worthy to live.

A good friend suggested this week that I adopt the mantra when I’m feeling sad that it’s ok. She’s been concerned that I’ve been keeping a “stiff upper lip” and she’s right. I so desperately want to get back to “normal” – whatever that is. But I have to give myself permission to grieve too. Losing a loved one hurts. Plain and simple. Life isn’t going to be the same. It never is. So, I’m going to write. I’m meditating. And I’m going to visit a grief support group next week.

I know that these trials and tribulations are what makes me uniquely me and the sadness will ease eventually. I’m grateful that I have good friends to support me. My husband and children don’t really understand what I’m going through and that’s because they haven’t had to deal with the loss of a sibling. And for that I’m truly grateful. I know they love me and care for me, but I’ll get support elsewhere. And I’m ok with that.

I’m so glad I decided to resurrect this blog and use it as a personal memoir, instead of for business. It’s helpful to have an outlet for my feelings. Even if no one ever reads this, I feel calmer for having released the pain to the page.